Life just keeps getting stranger.  I have always been fairly self directed.  After the last few years I find myself living in a part of the country I would never considered living working in a job I would never consider working three years ago.  I have always understood that many people on this planet including many people in this culture have not had the freedom to do what they wanted like I have in my life. I also understand that I should not compare what I perceive as their level of freedom to mine and make a judgment about how happy they are in their lives.  I know it just doesn't work that way and I am not the yardstick for what kind of life is good or bad, happy or sad, fulfilling etc. The situation I am in right now is very difficult for me.  I don't know how other people in different lives might perceive it but I find it very difficult.  I am caught in a Catch-22: I am living in a place that I do not want to be.  The only reason I am here is my 3 year old daughter.  I am really struggling to invest in spite of the fact that I know I would be happier if I did.  I have no friends here.  Not one.  I want friends and I know I will be happier if I have them yet I resist.  There is something about the human culture here that annoys the fuck out of me.  I have been trying to get out and meet people but in six months I have really had no luck.  I have been out of work and feeling outnumbered and outgunned and as a result I am also feeling depressed and this doesn't make me friendlier.  Excuses?  Maybe.  Certainly reasons.

I am hoping that I can settle in to my job and do it well.  It is a strange twist that I feel imprisoned living here in a geographical place I do not like in a human culture I do not like and I have found a job that is actually in a jail.  There is some twisted irony lurking therein.  Every week I find myself thinking "I don't know how much longer I can do this." But I have to keep going.  I know that if I were to leave here without Gracie I would struggle even more than I am now. 

I feel sorry for Gracie.  Perhaps I feel too sorry.  A 3 year old should not have to be responsible for so much.  Between her mother and I she is torn between two people who love her very much and at least from my perspective rely on her too much for love and a feeling of worth and value.  I know I am too dependent on my little daughter because of the dearth of other people in my life that I can touch and talk to, another reason to keep going but I am discouraged and tired.