Circling The Drain
In nursing there is an expression that is often reduced to the acronym CTD: circling the drain. Not an acronym that would get used in the patient record but one that gets lots of use in behind the scenes conversation. It is that period of unknown length that a patient is still alive, perhaps still functioning cognitively but has clinically reached the end of the road. Sometimes patients CTD and get well but not often. What the hell is my point?
I feel I have reached this point. I am CTD, not clinically, not physically but in a life sense. February 2nd I quit my job at the Dane County Jail and since then I have with some motivation at first looked for work. In the four months out of work I have not had one interview. I have applied for nursing positions that I wanted and nursing postions that I didn't want but knew would be better than the job in the jail. I have applied for jobs in outdoor industry retail and nothing. The last two months I have been clinically depressed. I know I am not a shrink but I am not an idiot and I know the symptoms: listless, frequent and persistent crying jags, feelings of hoplessness, physical pain, aches etc., lack of confidence, inability to take criticism or deal well with bumps in the road, refusals, failures, feelings of isolation and isolation behaviour. I have every one of these symptoms. I don't know what to do and I DO nothing. I numb myself and push the situation away with lots of TV and video games. I am not doing any drugs, I drink the occasional beer but generally avoid alcohol like the plague-it only makes things worse. My diet is OK. Not great but not terrible either. I am sleeping OK. I am not getting enough exercise but I am getting some and always feel better when I follow thru but this does not mean that I always follow thru.
I am caught between the knowledge, which I have had since long before I moved here, that I am living in a place where I despise living. Some people don't seem to care much where they live as far as physical geography: mountains, ocean, plains, temperature, humidity etc. As long as they have some connection to people or pets or work that is rewarding they manage. I wish I was one of these people ... fervently wish but I am not and as the saying goes 'a leopard cannot change his spots'. I have always lived in a place where I was able to disappear into some sort of wild place, be it mountains or oceans, some wilderness where I got to connect to the power of earth and get away from the human emotional soup that surrounds most of us. There are no wild places here, none. There are little pockets here and there but nothing on the scale necessary to remove me from the human culture, New Mexico, Maine, California, Georgia, Vermont all had wild places I could disappear into, if only for a couple of hours, and regain perspective and recharge. That's only half of it. The other half of what kept me going my entire adult life was friends and family. I have no community here, I have no friends here, I have no family here. I have been here for over 18 months. I have been back to Vermont twice since I moved to Wisconsin. It isn't enough. I am so desperately starved for the basic currency of close human relationships it is hard to admit. I am well past the smooth-over pleasantries like 'it's not so bad', or 'I am a little lonely but I am going OK'. The only person who loves me here is my wonderful 4 year old daughter. This is in itself is something I worry about because I don't want that on my daughter. Both her parents rely on her far too much emotionally. I want to be solid, creative, solvent, happy enough to have some emotional reserve. I do not have this, I am paper thin and my daughter knows it. I work very hard to be consistent with her and maintain the rituals that children thrive on but I know it is only the best I can do in a bad situation. I feel guilty about NOT creating something solid someone and having a kid with them instead of this perpetual war of distrust and resentment that I am embroiled in with Gracie's Mom. I look at my friend Stu's life and how he raised his kids and while I doubt I could have done it the way he did it I know I could have been somewhere a long way from what I have created here. This is a terrible truth that eats at me every day. I feel that my daughter deserves better and yet I selfishly sit on the couch and watch one stupid program after another instead of beating the 'streets' for a job.
Over five years I was sick with Hodgkin's Disease. That was hell but looking back at it from this situation I was happier then than now. I am older now and I am not bouncing back like I did. I am far more alone now than I was during that time and that is the crucial difference. I never thought I would say that but here I am saying it.
The cruel Catch-22 is that I could get a job in Vermont or New Mexico where I could live with all my friends and have a job that was challenging and not entirely soul crushing except for one thing: Gracie is too young to be apart from either parent for this to work. It will be years before a long distance schedule will work. So I stay which has all the aforementioned problems. My Mom said "It is easier to understand now why men leave." referring to Gracie's Mom's attitude and behaviour toward me. It is hard enough to raise a kid when the parents are living two separate lives that the child hops back and forth to and from. I live with the knowledge that Erin would if she could prevent me from seeing Gracie ever again. She pays lip service to the importance of the father being involved but she does not believe. The first chance she got she prevented me from seeing Gracie for six weeks based on opportunistically interpreted advice from a psychologist. Erin continues to pay lip service to the kind of relationship that the parent counselor recommends but it's a facade erected for his benefit.
CTD. I was saying "I don't know how long I can do this". Now, even this feels hopelessly optimistic. Now the common phrase that best fits is 'It's only a matter of time.'
In nursing there is an expression that is often reduced to the acronym CTD: circling the drain. Not an acronym that would get used in the patient record but one that gets lots of use in behind the scenes conversation. It is that period of unknown length that a patient is still alive, perhaps still functioning cognitively but has clinically reached the end of the road. Sometimes patients CTD and get well but not often. What the hell is my point?
I feel I have reached this point. I am CTD, not clinically, not physically but in a life sense. February 2nd I quit my job at the Dane County Jail and since then I have with some motivation at first looked for work. In the four months out of work I have not had one interview. I have applied for nursing positions that I wanted and nursing postions that I didn't want but knew would be better than the job in the jail. I have applied for jobs in outdoor industry retail and nothing. The last two months I have been clinically depressed. I know I am not a shrink but I am not an idiot and I know the symptoms: listless, frequent and persistent crying jags, feelings of hoplessness, physical pain, aches etc., lack of confidence, inability to take criticism or deal well with bumps in the road, refusals, failures, feelings of isolation and isolation behaviour. I have every one of these symptoms. I don't know what to do and I DO nothing. I numb myself and push the situation away with lots of TV and video games. I am not doing any drugs, I drink the occasional beer but generally avoid alcohol like the plague-it only makes things worse. My diet is OK. Not great but not terrible either. I am sleeping OK. I am not getting enough exercise but I am getting some and always feel better when I follow thru but this does not mean that I always follow thru.
I am caught between the knowledge, which I have had since long before I moved here, that I am living in a place where I despise living. Some people don't seem to care much where they live as far as physical geography: mountains, ocean, plains, temperature, humidity etc. As long as they have some connection to people or pets or work that is rewarding they manage. I wish I was one of these people ... fervently wish but I am not and as the saying goes 'a leopard cannot change his spots'. I have always lived in a place where I was able to disappear into some sort of wild place, be it mountains or oceans, some wilderness where I got to connect to the power of earth and get away from the human emotional soup that surrounds most of us. There are no wild places here, none. There are little pockets here and there but nothing on the scale necessary to remove me from the human culture, New Mexico, Maine, California, Georgia, Vermont all had wild places I could disappear into, if only for a couple of hours, and regain perspective and recharge. That's only half of it. The other half of what kept me going my entire adult life was friends and family. I have no community here, I have no friends here, I have no family here. I have been here for over 18 months. I have been back to Vermont twice since I moved to Wisconsin. It isn't enough. I am so desperately starved for the basic currency of close human relationships it is hard to admit. I am well past the smooth-over pleasantries like 'it's not so bad', or 'I am a little lonely but I am going OK'. The only person who loves me here is my wonderful 4 year old daughter. This is in itself is something I worry about because I don't want that on my daughter. Both her parents rely on her far too much emotionally. I want to be solid, creative, solvent, happy enough to have some emotional reserve. I do not have this, I am paper thin and my daughter knows it. I work very hard to be consistent with her and maintain the rituals that children thrive on but I know it is only the best I can do in a bad situation. I feel guilty about NOT creating something solid someone and having a kid with them instead of this perpetual war of distrust and resentment that I am embroiled in with Gracie's Mom. I look at my friend Stu's life and how he raised his kids and while I doubt I could have done it the way he did it I know I could have been somewhere a long way from what I have created here. This is a terrible truth that eats at me every day. I feel that my daughter deserves better and yet I selfishly sit on the couch and watch one stupid program after another instead of beating the 'streets' for a job.
Over five years I was sick with Hodgkin's Disease. That was hell but looking back at it from this situation I was happier then than now. I am older now and I am not bouncing back like I did. I am far more alone now than I was during that time and that is the crucial difference. I never thought I would say that but here I am saying it.
The cruel Catch-22 is that I could get a job in Vermont or New Mexico where I could live with all my friends and have a job that was challenging and not entirely soul crushing except for one thing: Gracie is too young to be apart from either parent for this to work. It will be years before a long distance schedule will work. So I stay which has all the aforementioned problems. My Mom said "It is easier to understand now why men leave." referring to Gracie's Mom's attitude and behaviour toward me. It is hard enough to raise a kid when the parents are living two separate lives that the child hops back and forth to and from. I live with the knowledge that Erin would if she could prevent me from seeing Gracie ever again. She pays lip service to the importance of the father being involved but she does not believe. The first chance she got she prevented me from seeing Gracie for six weeks based on opportunistically interpreted advice from a psychologist. Erin continues to pay lip service to the kind of relationship that the parent counselor recommends but it's a facade erected for his benefit.
CTD. I was saying "I don't know how long I can do this". Now, even this feels hopelessly optimistic. Now the common phrase that best fits is 'It's only a matter of time.'
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